Self-love

We often think about love as an emotion; elated feelings of joy, warmth, and fullness. Visions of love include hearts, cupids, roses, and kisses. I believe love is an attitude, kindness, respect, and admiration. It is also an action: helping, supporting, and communicating.

There is even a theory that we each have a love language; gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. (Gary Chapman)

Whatever love means to each of us, we need to transfer the goodness of emotion, attitude or action to ourselves. We must love ourselves first! We cannot give away something we don't have.

Allow yourself to feel positive emotions about your thoughts, choices, and desires. Every day, do some nice things for yourself; long walk, hot bath, phone call to a friend. Know your own love language so you can ask for what you want, but more importantly, you can do for yourself what you want others to do for you.


Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

Life is our best professor

I believe life is about learning, and the older I get the more I realize our lessons come to us - we do not need to go searching for them. I also have come to know that our teachers are seldom kind, sweet, and gentle.

This week I have been struggling to figure out what I am suppose to learn from an experience I had via email. A close family member sent me a message specifically accusing me of a heinous act.

What am I suppose to learn from this? I've walked and talked and prayed and written and thought. My heart hurts, my head aches, and body screams with questions. Just when I think I am about to put the pieces together, a new memory pops up and I am back to confusion.

I've learned what it feels like to become an instant victim; I've learned, again, that I should not trust someone just because they are family; I've learned the value of having a supportive spouse; I've learned, again, that kindness does not always beget kindness; I've learned, again, the venom of jealousy; and the immense power of one's thoughts.

I forgive her because I know she needs help. She needs regular therapy, she needs drugs that don't just allow her to sleep most of the day, but drugs that help her cope and live life fully. 

I also know I do not need to learn the lesson of her wrath again, I got it. I can care for her, but I can also care for myself and guard against being in situations where she gets the opportunity to fabricate other defaming stories.

I have gained compassion for people who are falsely blamed for crimes they did not commit. It is a helpless feeling. 

May you all learn from my experience: be careful who you trust, and love yourself enough to create safe boundaries from anyone, even family, who intentionally and maliciously impose harm.

Don't forget the given: we have no control over someone else, because we don't control their thoughts. But, we have 100% control of ourselves. THAT is the good news.


Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

The value of thinking

Sitting in a quaint little coffee shop in Bisbee AZ, looking around the room at people reading, working on their computers, asking the barista if there is any healthy food, or just drinking their favorite brew and looking out the window onto Main Street and Tombstone Canyon, I can't help but ponder the value of time to just sit and think.

I love drive time, walking time, writing time, and kneeling in church time, because all four activate my thoughts. These are times when my head connects with my heart and my creativity is accessed. We must allow time for the inside of us to surface so we can understand what distinguishes us from the masses.

How can we ever get to know ourselves if we never take time to build a relationship with the person who lives in our spine?

As a counselor, when I closed the door to my office, and the world left me alone with my client, I was more connected to my true self than any other time of the day. I was congruent for the benefit of helping, but it was truly a gift to me. I described it as transformation-from the outer Jennifer to the inner, wiser Dr. J.

So, figure out your activities that allow thinking time; true-self time to think. Grant yourself priority and become more of who you really are!


Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

I'm taking my own advice

This morning, while counseling a client, I said, "We need to recognize when we are on the fence, get off the fence, and make the best of our choices!"

When the session was over, I emailed samples of my Mental Matters column and a photo of myself to a local weekly paper. I have been finding a variety of activities to get in the way of my goals, and sharing my wisdom with a client helped me practice what I preach.

I think the same is true for many of us. We know what others should do, but we forget to do it ourselves. What we know isn't necessarily what we do. Knowledge doesn't always equate to action.

So, listen to what you tell others. Maybe you will hear the advice you need.

Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

Enjoy the present - put the past where it belongs

Isn't it interesting how our life today isn't what we thought it would be? It is also interesting how we see our lives verses how others see our lives. We all look through different lenses; what is real is in the eyes of the one seeing.

If you understand what I am referring to, you obviously spend time comparing, analyzing, and possibly regretting. You are hanging out in the past.

If we spend one minute of time thinking about yesterday, we are wasting today. What was felt, learned, or experienced is done - over - adios! The only time revisiting the past is beneficial is when one needs to recount details in order to release negative influence. Spending our time recalling pleasant memories also prevents one from truly digesting the pleasures of the present moment.

Of course, what I am suggesting is impossible. Our minds circle around and through the past, present, and future every second. Goals of controlling thoughts that only produce positive seeds for the future would make sense, but none of us have that depth of mind control.

So, my thought for the day: consciously try to focus only on the moment you are inhaling and exhaling. Try it for ten minutes today, twenty tomorrow, etc. You will be surprised how that helps the past stay in the back of your thoughts, not interfering with any pleasure that is right in front of you, right now!

Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

Drunk is never good

I woke up on July 5th to news that a family was hit by a drunk driver in Grand Lake, CO while walking to their car after a fireworks display. Once I called and confirmed my family members, who were attending the same celebration, were safe, I relaxed but kept listening to the news for more information.

At church this morning we learned that the family was from Estes Park, members of the Catholic community, and that the father died. The mother, and three kids, age nineteen to three, were injured but expected to live.

I envisioned the father walking closest to the road as most gentlemen are taught. Because of that, he was hit first, saving his family. The drunk driver, speeding with his lights off, and his passengers were not injured.

My thoughts wondered to the drunk driver. When he woke up in jail and realized what he had done, did he feel pain in his chest signaling remorse? Did he think his Fourth of July fun, that included his excessive drinking, was worth the life of another person? Did he take responsibility or did he blame the family for walking along side that road? When he chose to fill his glass time after time, did he think ahead to when he might refuse to give his keys to someone so he didn't climb behind the wheel of his 2006 Ford pickup truck? Did he think about the woman and two kids in the truck with him. Was he so drunk that he didn't remember? Did he feel guilt or shame for all the lives his actions affected? Did he know his drunkenness hurt his family, the victims family, church communities, total towns? Did he care?

Drinking can contribute to fun times - drunk is wrong - drunk is never good. If one cannot control the amount of alcohol they choose to swallow, they should not drink at all. Drunk is ugly, and the consequences of behavior without one's head attached leads to history that can never get a "do-over."

Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

Use your weakness to become strong

We all have a personality - I know, it is hard to believe when we think of some people we know. But, truth is, we all have one. If we understand all aspects of our personalities, the strengths and the weaknesses, we can use that knowledge to our advantage.

We usually focus on our strengths, as we should. But, we have "inferior functions" that pop up and get in the way of what we know to be true. They are the parts of us that develop last; those we seldom use.

I want to give three examples; myself - two friends - three solutions.

One, an INFP friend. (Introverted-iNtuition-Feeling-Perceiving) Her strength is in her introverted Feeling, her 2nd top strength is extroverted iNtuition, tertiary is introverted Sensing, and her inferior function is extroverted Thinking. She is struggling with letting go of something, and it is her tertiary, introverted Sensing, that will help her. She needs to go to her core and identify something negative or unpleasant that she sensed - sight, taste, touch, hear, smell, and use that sensing to help her let go of what she knows is not healthy for her. Whenever she is aware that she is hanging on tighter to what she needs to release, she needs to remember the negative sensing she identified, and notice how it helps her inferior thinking snap her out of her irrational gripping. Her weakness can help her overcome her addiction.

Second, and ENTJ. (Extroverted-iNtuition-Thinking-Judging) Her strength is her extroverted Thinking, her 2nd top strength is introverted iNtuition, tertiary is extroverted Sensing, and her inferior function is introverted feeling. She was struggling on Tuesday with sadness, despair, and depression. She was in her inferior function, feelings that were internal that she was not talking about. Her tertiary, extroverted sensing, helped her get out of her funk. I asked her to focus on all the situations in her life that could give justification to her sadness. They were things in her outer world; what she saw, smelled, touched, heard, or tasted. That helped her get back to her strength of extroverted Thinking. Her weakness helped her overcome something that felt out of her control.
I also suggested she get a good night's sleep. We are never in our strength if we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

I am an ESTJ. (Extroverted-Sensing-Thinking-Judging) I used my tertiary function to quit smoking. I loved smoking. I would leave work to smoke, sit down to smoke, hang out with friends to smoke. I loved it! It used my tertiary, extroverted iNtuition, to stop the urgency. It worked beautifully. I searched my outside (extroverted) world to find something I valued in the whole big scheme of things. It was my health. Whenever I thought I could not go one more second without a cigarette, I would say out loud, "I want to be healthy!" I could feel the tension in my arms relax and I could go another ten minutes until the next urge came. I would do it all over again. Eventually, the time increased between the addiction craving and I knew it no longer controlled me. Tapping into my tertiary strength, repeating my one-liner over and over, and trusting my knowledge, I overcame an addiction that was truly ruining my health.

Never stop learning about yourself. You are your best, and often your only, true advocate.

Until the next time: Live while you live!

Call 911, without hesitation, if you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.